homehome Home chatchat Notifications


Emotional support, rather than offering solutions, makes couples happier

Instead of offering informational support, just saying "I know how that feels" might be a lot better.

Tibi Puiu
July 10, 2018 @ 7:22 pm

share Share

When a partner tries to offer solutions, instead of emotional support, things often go south. What to do? According to a recent study, “couples may be well-advised to provide emotional support to one another instead of informational support.”

Credit: Pixabay.

When couples have trouble communicating well, what seems to always happen is that women want support, which men seem to think is equal to wanting advice. That’s bound to cause trouble in most cases, according to a new study, which found emotional support, rather than informational support, makes couples feel more connected and valued.

In his famous book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, which sold millions of copies, John Gray basically concludes that many problems couples face can be traced to a mismatch between logical and emotional mindsets. Men will often use a problem-solving, goal-orientated approach to address an argument with their partner. However, what women need in most situations is understanding, Gray argues. The whole experience can be extremely frustrating for both partners — and I think most people reading this are no strangers to such feelings.

Gray’s ideas of gender differentiation that explain the supposedly inherent tensions between the sexes and common problems couples face have gathered a lot of flak from the scientific community. A new study, however, seems to offer some evidence supporting his claims.

“I know how that feels”

A team of psychologists at the Universities of Maryland and Wyoming studied 114 male-female newlywed couples, whom they interviewed in order to see which type of support each person looked for from their partner but also which type of support they offered. For instance, the participants had to rate how much they agreed with statements like my partner “said he/she thought I handled a situation well“ or “shared facts or information with me about a situation I was facing.”

“Matching theories of social support suggest that receiving the amount and type of support one prefers from one’s romantic partner promotes more favorable affection and higher relationship satisfaction. Individuals who feel they are provided with less support from their partner than they desire (underprovision) generally experience less positive affect, more negative affect, and tend to be less satisfied in their relationships,” the authors wrote in the Journal of Family Psychology. 

Regardless of whether the participants said they’d prefer informational or emotional support, the results suggest that, across the board, more emotional support was associated with higher relationship satisfaction.

Another interesting finding was that wives told the researchers they wanted more of both types of support than they actually received. Husbands said they’d also want to receive more emotional support from their romantic partners than they get but were generally fine with the informational support they received.

At the subset level, husbands who said they preferred more informational support felt better when they received it. However, among wives who said they’d rather receive more emotional support but were met with informational support instead, they experienced depressive symptoms.

An important takeaway from these findings is that what works for you doesn’t necessarily have the same effect for your romantic partner. So if trying to offer solutions to the “problem” doesn’t get you anywhere — or makes matters worse — perhaps being more supportive on an emotional level is a better course of action. Sometimes saying something as simple as “I know how that feels” can help couples go a long way.

share Share

A Brain Implant Just Turned a Woman’s Thoughts Into Speech in Near Real Time

This tech restores speech in real time for people who can’t talk, using only brain signals.

Using screens in bed increases insomnia risk by 59% — but social media isn’t the worst offender

Forget blue light, the real reason screens disrupt sleep may be simpler than experts thought.

We Should Start Worrying About Space Piracy. Here's Why This Could be A Big Deal

“We are arguing that it’s already started," say experts.

An Experimental Drug Just Slashed Genetic Heart Risk by 94%

One in 10 people carry this genetic heart risk. There's never been a treatment — until now.

We’re Getting Very Close to a Birth Control Pill for Men

Scientists may have just cracked the code for male birth control.

A New Antibiotic Was Hiding in Backyard Dirt and It Might Save Millions

A new antibiotic works when others fail.

Researchers Wake Up Algae That Went Dormant Before the First Pyramids

Scientists have revived 7,000-year-old algae from Baltic Sea sediments, pushing the limits of resurrection ecology.

A Fossil So Strange Scientists Think It’s From a Completely New Form of Life

This towering mystery fossil baffled scientists for 180 Years and it just got weirder.

ChatGPT Seems To Be Shifting to the Right. What Does That Even Mean?

ChatGPT doesn't have any political agenda but some unknown factor is causing a subtle shift in its responses.

This Freshwater Fish Can Live Over 120 Years and Shows No Signs of Aging. But It Has a Problem

An ancient freshwater species may be quietly facing a silent collapse.