Is giggling a sign of flirting? What about physical contact? Everyone has their own individual strategy, but some are (on average) definitely more efficient than others. In a a new study, researchers quantified what types of flirting are best. Humor works, as does laughing and giggling at the other person’s jokes. Hugging and kissing on the cheek does not.
Flirting 101
Flirting is a complex type of communication. It’s a social and often (but not always) sexual behavior between two people where each person indicates an interest in each other. This interest is often romantic, but flirting can have very different connotations. In fact, flirting can also be a playful behavior without a specific goal in mind, simply used to build rapport and connection.
This behavior often involves multiple layers of communication. As you’re communicating verbally to the other person, you’re also sending out a bunch of verbal and non-verbal cues to them. This happens whether you realize it or not, and whether you intend it or not. The other person may alsoi pick up on those cues or may not — this is exactly what makes flirting so complex.
“Flirting involves different signals that people send to each other. It’s done to attract potential partners. Men and women both flirt to get the attention of a desired partner, and perhaps to achieve a sexual or romantic result from it,” says Professor Kennair.
“Flirting can be done verbally as well as non-verbally says T. Joel Wade, a Presidential Professor of Psychology at Bucknell University in the USA”, a co-author of the study.
Flirting can involve changes in vocal tones, jokes, or offerings, and the key to flirting is usually reaching a greater level of intimacy than you had at the start; after all, expressing sexual availability directly isn’t usually acceptable in today’s society. In general, we flirt to attract a partner or express our availability.
So how do you do flirt?
What types of flirting work best
A group of researchers from Norway and the US surveyed close to 1000 students from both countries, assigning them to 1 of 4 different survey versions. The first thing researchers noticed from the surveys is that it’s important to establish what type of relationship you’re looking for.
“What’s most effective depends on your gender and whether the purpose of the flirtation is a long-term or short-term relationship,” says Leif Edward Ottesen Kennair, a professor at NTNU’s Department of Psychology.
“People consider signals that you’re sexually available to be the most effective for women who are looking for a short-term relationship,” says Kennair.
So if you’re a woman who’s looking for a short-lived fling, you’d best be signaling this quickly. Hugging or kissing on the cheek (a relatively common tactic used to suggest intimacy) just doesn’t work in this context.
But the most effective tools in flirting were humor and laughing. If you’re unsure of how to flirt and unsure what type of relationship you want, just use humor, you can’t go wrong with that. Don’t start with “hey you wanna hear a joke,” start with smiling and eye contact, but don’t be afraid to use humor — and if the other person also uses humor and laughs at your jokes, you’ve got a good shot.
Overall, for men, humor works at flirting. Laughter is a sign of attraction. For women interested in short-term flings, however, physical contact or flat-out sexy things seem to work best. Giggling is also a sign of flirting, just not the best one.
| Women | Men | ||
|---|---|---|---|
| Short-Term Mating Context 1. Has sex 2. Kisses on the mouth 3. Rubs against 4. Makes body contact 5. Moves closer 6. Dresses sexy 7. Dances with him 8. Dresses to impress 9. Touches arm 10. Laughs/giggles at jokes | Mean 6.63 6.41 6.12 6.05 5.80 5.76 5.70 5.58 5.54 5.48 | Short-Term Mating Context 1. Makes her laugh 2. Smiles 3. Has sex 4. Kisses on the mouth 5. Makes body contact 6. Shows interest in conversations 7. Dances with her 8. Laughs/giggles at jokes 9. Gives compliments 10. Moves closer | Mean 6.27 5.99 5.92 5.87 5.83 5.68 5.63 5.60 5.59 5.56 |
“People think that humour, or being able to make another person laugh, is most effective for men who are looking for a long-term relationship. It’s least effective for women who are looking for a one-night stand. But laughing or giggling at the other person’s jokes is an effective flirtation tactic for both sexes,” says Kennair. “Smiling and eye contact are important. Then you can build your flirting skills from that base, using more advanced tactics,” Kennair says.
“It is not only effective to be funny, but for women it is very important that you show your potential partner that you think they are funny” Rebecca Burch, a co-author from SUNY Oswego, US, added.
Flirting for the long-term vs short-term
Researchers also report big differences between what flirting works best for the long term versus for the short term.
If you’re a man looking for a long-term relationship, you may want to focus on generosity and body language — communicate that you’re a giver that’s ready to commit. Remarkably, though, in both instances, “making her laugh” is the best strategy for flirting for men. In other words, humor in flirting always works best.
| Long-term Mating Context 1. Makes him laugh 2. Shows interest in conversations 3. Spends time with him 4. Engages in deep conversations 5. Kisses on the mouth 6. Smiles 7. Makes body contact 8. Laughs/giggles at jokes 9. Says “I love you” 10. Has dinner with him | Mean 6.25 6.17 6.16 6.12 6.07 5.93 5.83 5.83 5.79 5.65 | Long-term Mating Context 1. Makes her laugh 2. Spends time with her 3. Shows interest in conversations 4. Engages in deep conversations 5. Smiles 6. Kisses on the mouth 7. Says “I love you” 8. Gives compliments 9. Laughs/giggles at jokes 10. Has dinner with her | Mean 6.44 6.40 6.32 6.28 6.05 5.95 5.86 5.81 5.65 5.61 |
Interestingly enough, when it comes to flirting for the long-term, the top strategies for both men and women were very similar. The top one was yet again humor, but overall, just showing interest in conversations, spending time with the other person, smiling and complimenting seems to work.
Another interesting find from this study is that the same flirting cues seemed to work both in Norway and the USA, which suggests that these are only partly culturally relevant (for instance, the initial contact and variations in people’s body language may be different, but the general tactics are similar). In other words, flirting is more or less the same in the US and Norway.
The researchers also took into account certain characteristics of participants, including their extroversion, age, how willing they are to have a relationship, and their attractiveness in the dating market.
“Individual differences in age, religiosity, extroversion, personal attractiveness, and preferences for short-term sexual relationships had little or no effect on how effective respondents considered the various flirting tactics to be,” says Bendixen.
“However, we do believe that personal characteristics affect the type of flirting people employ themselves,” says Bendixen.
Be yourself, play nice
The findings fit with previous research, supporting the idea that flirting is a universal mating strategy, and there are multiple approaches to flirting. However, this study gives some good clues on how to optimize flirting.
Ultimately, flirting is an art and a science, with humor and laughing being key ingredients to success. The study clearly shows that making others laugh and being receptive to their humor greatly increases the chances of forming a connection. While the preferred tactics may vary based on gender and the desired type of relationship (long-term or short-term), the common thread remains — the joy of shared laughter.
Interestingly, the findings also point to a universal nature of flirting, transcending cultural boundaries and individual characteristics. This means that while the execution of flirting may vary, its core elements remain constant — a shared, playful communication that brings people closer together.
It is, however, important to note that respect and consent are paramount in any interaction. Flirting should always be about creating positive vibes and mutual enjoyment. This is often context-dependent and there are few universal aspects here. Therefore, mindfulness and sensitivity towards the other person’s feelings and boundaries should be a key part of any flirting scenario.
The study has been published in Evolutionary Psychology.
